Time Out Travelers
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A submitted script to the BYU's comedy group, Studio C.
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CAST:
MARTY MCFLY - Adam
DOCTOR WHO - Matt
DOCTOR WHO’S ASSISTANT, ROSE - Mallory
THE TERMINATOR - Jason
JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME’S TIME COP - James
BILL - ?
TED - ?
MR. PEABODY - Whitney
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - Stacey
ASSASSIN - Jeremy
EXT. - MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE - DAY
It’s a beautiful day in Memphis, Tennessee. DOCTOR WHO’S time traveling blue, police-box TARDIS lands with a boom from the sky and a ‘thud’ to the earth, stage left. The door opens and out steps DOCTOR WHO with his assistant, ROSE.
DOCTOR WHO
Ah, Memphis, Tennessee, April 4, 1968, and the famous speech of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The father of human rights. Brilliant man. Excellent singer with a great origami collection.
They do not see a strange looking ASSASSIN entering stage right, sneaking up from behind the TARDIS towards them, carrying a gun.
ROSE
It’s so sad that that he was assassinated.
DOCTOR WHO
He died a martyr. His dream lives on in him. Without his sacrifice, we’d still be slaving muggles, smurfs, and X-Men mutants.
Rose turns around and sees the ASSASSIN.
ROSE
Doctor, look out!
DOCTOR WHO turns as the ASSASSIN raises his gun. Before he can shoot there is an explosion of lights and sound off camera. Suddenly a silver sports car crashes onto the scene, stage right, hitting the ASSASSIN, who stumbles and falls center stage. The ASSASSIN drops his gun. The car is smoking. The ASSASSIN screams as the door opens and out jumps MARTY MCFLY.
MARTY MCFLY
Wheh! That’s the last time I try to outrun a speeding ticket.
He looks and sees the crashed TARDIS and the screaming man.
MARTY MCFLY
Uh, oh.
DOCTOR WHO
You American oaf! Look what you’ve done!
ROSE runs to the groaning ASSASSIN.
MARTY MCFLY
Forget that, he needs a doctor.
DOCTOR WHO
I’m The Doctor.
ROSE
He means a medical doctor.
DOCTOR WHO
I have a screwdriver.
The ASSASSIN screams even more.
ASSASSIN
No!
DOCTOR WHO runs to help him anyway and starts to buzz his legs. Another flashy explosion of light and sound and suddenly a phone booth drops straight out of the sky next to DOCTOR WHO’s TARDIS and onto the ASSASSIN’s legs. The ASSASSIN screams again as BILL AND TED jump out, eating popcorn and recording everything with a camcorder.
DOCTOR WHO
Who says a doctor’s never around when you need one?
DOCTOR WHO pulls the ASSASSIN out to stage left and continues to buzz him during the dialogue.
ROSE
Who are you?
BILL
We are San Dima’s most excellent history students.
TED
Yeah, and we’ve come back in time to see the famous doctor.
DOCTOR WHO perks up.
DOCTOR WHO
I’m The Doctor.
BILL
Dude, I thought he was black.
ROSE
No, they’re talking about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Grimacing, DOCTOR WHO gets back to work on the ASSASSIN’s legs.
TED
Yeah, my most bodacious babe. We wanna see the famous speech of The Doctor King for our history report.
BILL
Whoa! But this accident scene is most heinous! That’s not in the history books.
TED
Extra credit!
BILL & TED
Excellent!
The pretend to play air guitars with an auditory riff.
ROSE
What is this, a time traveling convention?
DOCTOR WHO
This is a fixed point in time. A nexus, if you will, possibly containing some sort of cosmic significance; a temporal junction point of the entire space/time continuum.
MARTY MCFLY
On the other hand it could just be an amazing coincidence.
ROSE
More like a time traveler rest stop.
BILL & TED high five each other and keep recording the accident scene.
DOCTOR WHO
Hang on, you’re James Earl Ray, the man who shot Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr!
ASSASSIN
Not with two broken legs!
ROSE
Oh dear, but if he can’t do that…
DOCTOR WHO
Human rights will never exist.
Another flash and bang off camera.
ROSE
Certainly unusual weather we’re having today.
TIME COP falls from the sky next to BILL & TED’S phone booth and onto the ASSASSIN.
ASSASSIN
Ow, my spleen!
TIME COP jumps up, drawing his gun.
TIME COP
MARTY MCFLY, you are under arrest for disrupting the time line, hit & run, reckless driving, driving a time machine without a license, and speeding 46 years from now.
He sees BILL & TED’s camera and puts his hand in front of it.
TIME COP
No cameras!
MARTY MCFLY
There’s a Time Cop?
ROSE
Why not? There’s a time doctor.
DOCTOR WHO
(Correcting her) Hello, Time Lord. (He points to BILL & TED) And time buffoons.
BILL & TED
Excellent!
They air guitar again.
MARTY MCFLY
But it was an accident, officer!
TIME COP
Save it for the judge. I’m taking you in. This is supposed to be a fixed point in time.
ROSE
But it sure is broken.
TIME COP
And now I’ve got to repair the damage.
ROSE
How many time travelers does it take to repair the future?
DOCTOR WHO looks at MARTY MCFLY.
DOCTOR WHO
Apparently, just one to mess it up.
MARTY MCFLY
Hey, I said it was an accident!
As TIME COP handcuffs MARTY MCFLY to his car’s steering wheel, a forth explosion of light and sound happens off camera. THE TERMINATOR walks onto the screen, carrying a large rifle.
THE TERMINATOR
I’m here to pump… (He cocks his rifle.) …someone full of lead.
BILL
Whoa! Who are you?
THE TERMINATOR
I’m The Terminator.
He jumps up, excited.
DOCTOR WHO
He’s here to finish the job that he (points to the ASSASSIN) started!
TIME COP
Not on my watch, tough guy.
He punches THE TERMINATOR but it only hurts his fist. He recovers, to kick him, with the same results. He tries a jumping kick that only lands him on the ground, groaning in pain.
TED
Dude! You’ve just been timed out!
TIME COP
(Groans at TED) Hard target.
THE TERMINATOR
I’ll be back.
Raising his rifle, he turns and walks off camera.
ROSE
Somebody stop him!
We hear a bullet shot and panicked screams from off screen.
DOCTOR WHO
Too late.
Everyone is sad, except for the ASSASSIN.
ASSASSIN
Ha ha! My job in complete. And I didn’t even have to do it.
TIME COP
Yes, the time stream has corrected itself. Just one last thing to do.
TIME COP and DOCTOR WHO share a look as THE TERMINATOR walks back onto the screen.
THE TERMINATOR
My programming is complete. I will now live out the rest of my days among human kind, first as a body builder, then as an actor, and then as the governor of California.
BILL & TED
We’ll vote for you, Mr. The Terminator!
TIME COP
Give him your rifle before you go.
He points to the ASSASSIN.
THE TERMINATOR
No problemo.
He gives it to the ASSASSIN and then prepares to walk away.
THE TERMINATOR
Hasta la vista, baby.
THE TERMINATOR exits. TIME COP gets up.
ASSASSIN
Wow. The gun that killed Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I’ll treasure this.
TIME COP
Good. Because now it’s got your fingerprints all over it.
DOCTOR WHO
I also fixed your legs. I’d start running now.
We hear shouts off camera and the ASSASSIN jumps up. He runs off screen, followed closely behind by three cops, who dive still on screen to tackle him off camera.
TIME COP
Time to go. No pun intended.
He reaches over and grabs the camera from BILL & TED.
BILL & TED
Hey!
TIME COP
I’m confiscating this. We didn’t invent time travel to cheat on tests, we invented time travel to travel through time!
MARTY MCFLY
I could’ve told you that.
BILL & TED
Bogus…
BILL & TED, dejected, get back into their phone booth and depart the way they came. TIME COP collects a handcuffed MARTY MCFLY from his car during the dialogue.
ROSE
I know it’s a fixed point in time, but it’s too bad we couldn’t save Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
DOCTOR WHO
Well, now it’s a hastily duct-taped, slapped together point in time.
DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. then walks onto the screen.
DOCTOR WHO
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., alive? Brilliant!
ROSE
But how did you survive the Terminator?
ENDING INTENTIONALLY LEFT OUT
MARTY MCFLY - Adam
DOCTOR WHO - Matt
DOCTOR WHO’S ASSISTANT, ROSE - Mallory
THE TERMINATOR - Jason
JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME’S TIME COP - James
BILL - ?
TED - ?
MR. PEABODY - Whitney
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - Stacey
ASSASSIN - Jeremy
EXT. - MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE - DAY
It’s a beautiful day in Memphis, Tennessee. DOCTOR WHO’S time traveling blue, police-box TARDIS lands with a boom from the sky and a ‘thud’ to the earth, stage left. The door opens and out steps DOCTOR WHO with his assistant, ROSE.
DOCTOR WHO
Ah, Memphis, Tennessee, April 4, 1968, and the famous speech of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The father of human rights. Brilliant man. Excellent singer with a great origami collection.
They do not see a strange looking ASSASSIN entering stage right, sneaking up from behind the TARDIS towards them, carrying a gun.
ROSE
It’s so sad that that he was assassinated.
DOCTOR WHO
He died a martyr. His dream lives on in him. Without his sacrifice, we’d still be slaving muggles, smurfs, and X-Men mutants.
Rose turns around and sees the ASSASSIN.
ROSE
Doctor, look out!
DOCTOR WHO turns as the ASSASSIN raises his gun. Before he can shoot there is an explosion of lights and sound off camera. Suddenly a silver sports car crashes onto the scene, stage right, hitting the ASSASSIN, who stumbles and falls center stage. The ASSASSIN drops his gun. The car is smoking. The ASSASSIN screams as the door opens and out jumps MARTY MCFLY.
MARTY MCFLY
Wheh! That’s the last time I try to outrun a speeding ticket.
He looks and sees the crashed TARDIS and the screaming man.
MARTY MCFLY
Uh, oh.
DOCTOR WHO
You American oaf! Look what you’ve done!
ROSE runs to the groaning ASSASSIN.
MARTY MCFLY
Forget that, he needs a doctor.
DOCTOR WHO
I’m The Doctor.
ROSE
He means a medical doctor.
DOCTOR WHO
I have a screwdriver.
The ASSASSIN screams even more.
ASSASSIN
No!
DOCTOR WHO runs to help him anyway and starts to buzz his legs. Another flashy explosion of light and sound and suddenly a phone booth drops straight out of the sky next to DOCTOR WHO’s TARDIS and onto the ASSASSIN’s legs. The ASSASSIN screams again as BILL AND TED jump out, eating popcorn and recording everything with a camcorder.
DOCTOR WHO
Who says a doctor’s never around when you need one?
DOCTOR WHO pulls the ASSASSIN out to stage left and continues to buzz him during the dialogue.
ROSE
Who are you?
BILL
We are San Dima’s most excellent history students.
TED
Yeah, and we’ve come back in time to see the famous doctor.
DOCTOR WHO perks up.
DOCTOR WHO
I’m The Doctor.
BILL
Dude, I thought he was black.
ROSE
No, they’re talking about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Grimacing, DOCTOR WHO gets back to work on the ASSASSIN’s legs.
TED
Yeah, my most bodacious babe. We wanna see the famous speech of The Doctor King for our history report.
BILL
Whoa! But this accident scene is most heinous! That’s not in the history books.
TED
Extra credit!
BILL & TED
Excellent!
The pretend to play air guitars with an auditory riff.
ROSE
What is this, a time traveling convention?
DOCTOR WHO
This is a fixed point in time. A nexus, if you will, possibly containing some sort of cosmic significance; a temporal junction point of the entire space/time continuum.
MARTY MCFLY
On the other hand it could just be an amazing coincidence.
ROSE
More like a time traveler rest stop.
BILL & TED high five each other and keep recording the accident scene.
DOCTOR WHO
Hang on, you’re James Earl Ray, the man who shot Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr!
ASSASSIN
Not with two broken legs!
ROSE
Oh dear, but if he can’t do that…
DOCTOR WHO
Human rights will never exist.
Another flash and bang off camera.
ROSE
Certainly unusual weather we’re having today.
TIME COP falls from the sky next to BILL & TED’S phone booth and onto the ASSASSIN.
ASSASSIN
Ow, my spleen!
TIME COP jumps up, drawing his gun.
TIME COP
MARTY MCFLY, you are under arrest for disrupting the time line, hit & run, reckless driving, driving a time machine without a license, and speeding 46 years from now.
He sees BILL & TED’s camera and puts his hand in front of it.
TIME COP
No cameras!
MARTY MCFLY
There’s a Time Cop?
ROSE
Why not? There’s a time doctor.
DOCTOR WHO
(Correcting her) Hello, Time Lord. (He points to BILL & TED) And time buffoons.
BILL & TED
Excellent!
They air guitar again.
MARTY MCFLY
But it was an accident, officer!
TIME COP
Save it for the judge. I’m taking you in. This is supposed to be a fixed point in time.
ROSE
But it sure is broken.
TIME COP
And now I’ve got to repair the damage.
ROSE
How many time travelers does it take to repair the future?
DOCTOR WHO looks at MARTY MCFLY.
DOCTOR WHO
Apparently, just one to mess it up.
MARTY MCFLY
Hey, I said it was an accident!
As TIME COP handcuffs MARTY MCFLY to his car’s steering wheel, a forth explosion of light and sound happens off camera. THE TERMINATOR walks onto the screen, carrying a large rifle.
THE TERMINATOR
I’m here to pump… (He cocks his rifle.) …someone full of lead.
BILL
Whoa! Who are you?
THE TERMINATOR
I’m The Terminator.
He jumps up, excited.
DOCTOR WHO
He’s here to finish the job that he (points to the ASSASSIN) started!
TIME COP
Not on my watch, tough guy.
He punches THE TERMINATOR but it only hurts his fist. He recovers, to kick him, with the same results. He tries a jumping kick that only lands him on the ground, groaning in pain.
TED
Dude! You’ve just been timed out!
TIME COP
(Groans at TED) Hard target.
THE TERMINATOR
I’ll be back.
Raising his rifle, he turns and walks off camera.
ROSE
Somebody stop him!
We hear a bullet shot and panicked screams from off screen.
DOCTOR WHO
Too late.
Everyone is sad, except for the ASSASSIN.
ASSASSIN
Ha ha! My job in complete. And I didn’t even have to do it.
TIME COP
Yes, the time stream has corrected itself. Just one last thing to do.
TIME COP and DOCTOR WHO share a look as THE TERMINATOR walks back onto the screen.
THE TERMINATOR
My programming is complete. I will now live out the rest of my days among human kind, first as a body builder, then as an actor, and then as the governor of California.
BILL & TED
We’ll vote for you, Mr. The Terminator!
TIME COP
Give him your rifle before you go.
He points to the ASSASSIN.
THE TERMINATOR
No problemo.
He gives it to the ASSASSIN and then prepares to walk away.
THE TERMINATOR
Hasta la vista, baby.
THE TERMINATOR exits. TIME COP gets up.
ASSASSIN
Wow. The gun that killed Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I’ll treasure this.
TIME COP
Good. Because now it’s got your fingerprints all over it.
DOCTOR WHO
I also fixed your legs. I’d start running now.
We hear shouts off camera and the ASSASSIN jumps up. He runs off screen, followed closely behind by three cops, who dive still on screen to tackle him off camera.
TIME COP
Time to go. No pun intended.
He reaches over and grabs the camera from BILL & TED.
BILL & TED
Hey!
TIME COP
I’m confiscating this. We didn’t invent time travel to cheat on tests, we invented time travel to travel through time!
MARTY MCFLY
I could’ve told you that.
BILL & TED
Bogus…
BILL & TED, dejected, get back into their phone booth and depart the way they came. TIME COP collects a handcuffed MARTY MCFLY from his car during the dialogue.
ROSE
I know it’s a fixed point in time, but it’s too bad we couldn’t save Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
DOCTOR WHO
Well, now it’s a hastily duct-taped, slapped together point in time.
DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. then walks onto the screen.
DOCTOR WHO
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., alive? Brilliant!
ROSE
But how did you survive the Terminator?
ENDING INTENTIONALLY LEFT OUT