Doctor Who, Where, When,
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A submitted script to the BYU's comedy group, Studio C.
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An atypical sunny day in London, England. WHITNEY walks down the street with a bag of groceries, minding her business when suddenly she realizes she can't move. She looks down at her feet and finds herself standing in a large gob of silvery, flowing, and glowing goo. She tries to step out but it conforms to her feet and sucks her back in. Panicked, she screams.
From out of the sky a blue, old fashioned police box drops near her and out steps The Doctor (Who) in a black, leather trench coat looking like Christopher Eccelson's character.
STEPHEN
Never fear. I'll save you. I'm The Doctor.
WHITNEY
Who?
He leans down, pulls out his sonic screwdriver, and has it buzz at the goo.
STEPHEN
This appears to be nothing more than a viscus mass of varying density and proportions. I'll get you out, given I can remove it to the proper location.
There is a boom in the sky and another box drops from the sky. This one is a "Bill and Ted" style phone booth. A new "The Doctor (Where)" steps out. He wears a brown suit and a bow tie to look like David Tennant's character.
MATT
Don't panic. I'm The Doctor.
WHITNEY
Where did you come from?
MATT
Here and there. Everywhere, actually. I've been around.
STEPHEN
Hang on. I thought I was the last Time Lord.
MATT
You are, in this dimension. I'm from Dimension t, quark, yellow, and seagull in the Gwal-Fonic Nebula. A spit and swing past the red moon of Dwarfina.
STEPHEN
Really? I've never been there.
MATT
Lovely place. You should see it sometime.
WHITNEY
Excuse me? Do you think you could help me out?
MATT
Certainly. All in a day's work.
MATT drops to his knees and pulls out his favored instrument and gives it a buzz at the goo.
STEPHEN
What's that?
MATT
Sonic pipewrench. The latest in scientific anomaly reading.
MATT pops back up.
MATT
Right. It appears to be a semi-mobile, fluctuating glob of semi-conducting molecules. I should have you out in a jiffy, if I know precisely when to act.
Another boom in the sky.
WHITNEY
Is it raining phonebooths today?
This one is a typical mall photo booth. Another The Doctor (When) steps out. STEPHEN is looking the other way, trying to find the sound of the noise. JASON wears a grey suit and bow tie, looking like MATT Smith's character. His favored tool is already in hand.
JASON
Have no fear. I'm The Doctor.
STEPHEN
When did you get here?
JASON
Three thirteenths of a second after she asked if it was raining phonebooths.
STEPHEN
Certainly seems that way.
STEPHEN looks again into the sky as JASON immediately gets to work on buzzing the viscous goo with his tool. MATT leans in to watch him.
MATT
That's a new model.
JASON
Sonic nail file.
MATT
Yes, your nails do look exceptionally trim.
JASON
Why, thank you. I give them a good blast every time I'm just about to die. Or be turned into a robot. Or be kissed by an alien.
MATT sighs.
MATT
Happens to me all the time.
JASON
Aggravating, isn't it?
STEPHEN
Hang on. You said I was the only Time Lord in this dimension. But switching back and forth between dimensions is fundamentally impossible.
JASON
Only in this dimension. I got here going backward through a black hole and making it throw me up. Didn't like my neutron emissions, I suppose. Kind of like the Pinocchio story, but with science.
STEPHEN
And you?
MATT
Bermuda triangle. People get lost in there all the time.
JASON
Besides, I'm not a Time Lord. I'm a Time Duke.
MATT
I'm a Time Earl.
Whitney is really starting to get upset by now.
WHITNEY
I don't care if you're the time traveling, dimension- popping, alien-kissing Queen of England! Will someone get me out of here!
ALL THE DOCTORS TOGETHER
Right.
JASON
According to my analysis, it appears to be...
WHITNEY
Yes, I know! Space goop, glob, and blob. Just get me out of it!
JASON
I am most certainly eager to free you from this lost drop of space snot, however, I'm not too keen on how to approach until I know exactly what it is.
A forth boom in the sky makes Whitney gasp out of exasperation. Another vehicle plops down next to the photo booth: an ice cream cart. Out jumps The Doctor (What), with tool in hand-a sonic jackhammer (sledgehammer?). He is wearing an old, aristocratic cumber bun and cravat, looking like the Scarlet Pimpernel.
JAMES
I'm here to rescue you! I'm The Doctor...
WHITNEY
What?
JAMES
I'm sorry, are you hard of hearing?
STEPHEN
Time Lord?
JAMES responds proudly.
JAMES
Time Knave.
He bows majestically.
STEPHEN
Fantastic! What are the odds of this ever happening, especially in London! Hello, I'm the Doctor.
JAMES shakes his hand around Whitney, smiling.
JAMES
Doctor.
JAMES now reaches over to JASON, making Whitney duck and bend around their hand shaking.
JAMES
Doctor.
MATT
Where are my manners?
He reaches to The Doctor (What and When), shaking their hands in turn.
MATT
Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.
STEPHEN also shakes the hands of The Doctor (When and Where)
STEPHEN
Doctor. Doctor.
MATT finishes shaking hands with STEPHEN. JAMES finishes by shaking the hands of MATT.
JAMES
Doctor.
Whitney is on the verge of tears.
WHITNEY
Will someone just please get me out of here?
JAMES
After I perform my analysis.
He begins to buzz the stuff again as Whitney begins to cry. STEPHEN asks while he buzzes.
STEPHEN
Black hole? Bermuda triangle?
JAMES
Wal-Mart. That place is like a maze. You never know where you'll end up.
He packs away his device. Whitney is crying and stooped low to the ground, wishing she'd never gone shopping.
JAMES
Very well. You're standing in an icky, sticky, stinky, bit of yucky alien muck. (gelatinous mix of rubber-like compounds, resilient to the touch and coated with a sticky polymer surface.)
Whitney can take it no more and stands, screaming at them.
WHITNEY
I know that! That's why I'm stuck in it! That's why I'm not running away from you science- struck dweebs! That's why we've all been standing here for the last 3 minutes, while you've been studying kissing black holes, comparing time titles, and poking great globby goop with sonic toolbenches, and dropping out of the sky like a penny arcade blew up! We've covered all that- three times already! But we still haven't gotten to the part where any one of you brilliant psychos has shown any ability of getting me outta here!
A moment of pause where she takes a breath and all of The Doctors look sheepish.
WHITNEY
Does any of your tools do anything other than just buzz?
STEPHEN
Actually, mine heats up a really great burrito.
WHITNEY
That's it! And you call yourself space adventurers! Why did this have to happen? Why?
Another rumble in the sky. They all look up, but a woman bikes in front of them all, chiming her bell. She is wearing a modern, white doctor's lab coat has a sonic curling iron in her back pocket-The Doctor (Why). She stops in front of the WHITNEY.
MALORIE
Good afternoon. I'm the Doctor - Time Lady. And you're in a bit of a stuck.
She looks down at the ground.
MALORIE
Oh my, there's my gum. I've been looking everywhere for that.
She hops off her bike, pulls out her sonic curling iron, and buzzes at the gum. It shrinks down to gum size and pulls the gum free from her feet.
MALORIE
A good wash and it'll be as good as new.
She hops back onto the bike.
MALORIE
Why? Because - studies show that women make the best Doctors. That's why.
WHITNEY
Thank you, Doctor.
Whitney, scowling at the men, strides off.
MALORIE
My pleasure.
She bows to Whitney, then waves to the men.
MALORIE
Cheerio.
Chiming her bell, she bikes away, popping the gum back into her mouth.
ENDING INTENTIONALLY LEFT OUT
From out of the sky a blue, old fashioned police box drops near her and out steps The Doctor (Who) in a black, leather trench coat looking like Christopher Eccelson's character.
STEPHEN
Never fear. I'll save you. I'm The Doctor.
WHITNEY
Who?
He leans down, pulls out his sonic screwdriver, and has it buzz at the goo.
STEPHEN
This appears to be nothing more than a viscus mass of varying density and proportions. I'll get you out, given I can remove it to the proper location.
There is a boom in the sky and another box drops from the sky. This one is a "Bill and Ted" style phone booth. A new "The Doctor (Where)" steps out. He wears a brown suit and a bow tie to look like David Tennant's character.
MATT
Don't panic. I'm The Doctor.
WHITNEY
Where did you come from?
MATT
Here and there. Everywhere, actually. I've been around.
STEPHEN
Hang on. I thought I was the last Time Lord.
MATT
You are, in this dimension. I'm from Dimension t, quark, yellow, and seagull in the Gwal-Fonic Nebula. A spit and swing past the red moon of Dwarfina.
STEPHEN
Really? I've never been there.
MATT
Lovely place. You should see it sometime.
WHITNEY
Excuse me? Do you think you could help me out?
MATT
Certainly. All in a day's work.
MATT drops to his knees and pulls out his favored instrument and gives it a buzz at the goo.
STEPHEN
What's that?
MATT
Sonic pipewrench. The latest in scientific anomaly reading.
MATT pops back up.
MATT
Right. It appears to be a semi-mobile, fluctuating glob of semi-conducting molecules. I should have you out in a jiffy, if I know precisely when to act.
Another boom in the sky.
WHITNEY
Is it raining phonebooths today?
This one is a typical mall photo booth. Another The Doctor (When) steps out. STEPHEN is looking the other way, trying to find the sound of the noise. JASON wears a grey suit and bow tie, looking like MATT Smith's character. His favored tool is already in hand.
JASON
Have no fear. I'm The Doctor.
STEPHEN
When did you get here?
JASON
Three thirteenths of a second after she asked if it was raining phonebooths.
STEPHEN
Certainly seems that way.
STEPHEN looks again into the sky as JASON immediately gets to work on buzzing the viscous goo with his tool. MATT leans in to watch him.
MATT
That's a new model.
JASON
Sonic nail file.
MATT
Yes, your nails do look exceptionally trim.
JASON
Why, thank you. I give them a good blast every time I'm just about to die. Or be turned into a robot. Or be kissed by an alien.
MATT sighs.
MATT
Happens to me all the time.
JASON
Aggravating, isn't it?
STEPHEN
Hang on. You said I was the only Time Lord in this dimension. But switching back and forth between dimensions is fundamentally impossible.
JASON
Only in this dimension. I got here going backward through a black hole and making it throw me up. Didn't like my neutron emissions, I suppose. Kind of like the Pinocchio story, but with science.
STEPHEN
And you?
MATT
Bermuda triangle. People get lost in there all the time.
JASON
Besides, I'm not a Time Lord. I'm a Time Duke.
MATT
I'm a Time Earl.
Whitney is really starting to get upset by now.
WHITNEY
I don't care if you're the time traveling, dimension- popping, alien-kissing Queen of England! Will someone get me out of here!
ALL THE DOCTORS TOGETHER
Right.
JASON
According to my analysis, it appears to be...
WHITNEY
Yes, I know! Space goop, glob, and blob. Just get me out of it!
JASON
I am most certainly eager to free you from this lost drop of space snot, however, I'm not too keen on how to approach until I know exactly what it is.
A forth boom in the sky makes Whitney gasp out of exasperation. Another vehicle plops down next to the photo booth: an ice cream cart. Out jumps The Doctor (What), with tool in hand-a sonic jackhammer (sledgehammer?). He is wearing an old, aristocratic cumber bun and cravat, looking like the Scarlet Pimpernel.
JAMES
I'm here to rescue you! I'm The Doctor...
WHITNEY
What?
JAMES
I'm sorry, are you hard of hearing?
STEPHEN
Time Lord?
JAMES responds proudly.
JAMES
Time Knave.
He bows majestically.
STEPHEN
Fantastic! What are the odds of this ever happening, especially in London! Hello, I'm the Doctor.
JAMES shakes his hand around Whitney, smiling.
JAMES
Doctor.
JAMES now reaches over to JASON, making Whitney duck and bend around their hand shaking.
JAMES
Doctor.
MATT
Where are my manners?
He reaches to The Doctor (What and When), shaking their hands in turn.
MATT
Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.
STEPHEN also shakes the hands of The Doctor (When and Where)
STEPHEN
Doctor. Doctor.
MATT finishes shaking hands with STEPHEN. JAMES finishes by shaking the hands of MATT.
JAMES
Doctor.
Whitney is on the verge of tears.
WHITNEY
Will someone just please get me out of here?
JAMES
After I perform my analysis.
He begins to buzz the stuff again as Whitney begins to cry. STEPHEN asks while he buzzes.
STEPHEN
Black hole? Bermuda triangle?
JAMES
Wal-Mart. That place is like a maze. You never know where you'll end up.
He packs away his device. Whitney is crying and stooped low to the ground, wishing she'd never gone shopping.
JAMES
Very well. You're standing in an icky, sticky, stinky, bit of yucky alien muck. (gelatinous mix of rubber-like compounds, resilient to the touch and coated with a sticky polymer surface.)
Whitney can take it no more and stands, screaming at them.
WHITNEY
I know that! That's why I'm stuck in it! That's why I'm not running away from you science- struck dweebs! That's why we've all been standing here for the last 3 minutes, while you've been studying kissing black holes, comparing time titles, and poking great globby goop with sonic toolbenches, and dropping out of the sky like a penny arcade blew up! We've covered all that- three times already! But we still haven't gotten to the part where any one of you brilliant psychos has shown any ability of getting me outta here!
A moment of pause where she takes a breath and all of The Doctors look sheepish.
WHITNEY
Does any of your tools do anything other than just buzz?
STEPHEN
Actually, mine heats up a really great burrito.
WHITNEY
That's it! And you call yourself space adventurers! Why did this have to happen? Why?
Another rumble in the sky. They all look up, but a woman bikes in front of them all, chiming her bell. She is wearing a modern, white doctor's lab coat has a sonic curling iron in her back pocket-The Doctor (Why). She stops in front of the WHITNEY.
MALORIE
Good afternoon. I'm the Doctor - Time Lady. And you're in a bit of a stuck.
She looks down at the ground.
MALORIE
Oh my, there's my gum. I've been looking everywhere for that.
She hops off her bike, pulls out her sonic curling iron, and buzzes at the gum. It shrinks down to gum size and pulls the gum free from her feet.
MALORIE
A good wash and it'll be as good as new.
She hops back onto the bike.
MALORIE
Why? Because - studies show that women make the best Doctors. That's why.
WHITNEY
Thank you, Doctor.
Whitney, scowling at the men, strides off.
MALORIE
My pleasure.
She bows to Whitney, then waves to the men.
MALORIE
Cheerio.
Chiming her bell, she bikes away, popping the gum back into her mouth.
ENDING INTENTIONALLY LEFT OUT