Excessive Defense
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A submitted script to the BYU's comedy group, Studio C.
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EXT. CITY, A DARK ALLEY - DAY
CAST:
COP 1 - Jason
COP 2 - Stacey
MARTIAL ARTS MAN - Matt
5 GANG MEMBERS
Two uniformed police officers approach the entrance of an alley. Their red and blue sirens are lighting up the stores nearby.
JASON
What's up?
STACEY
We got the report of a mugging. Some guy was attacked by a whole gang.
JASON whistles.
JASON
Poor guy. Is he going to need an ambulance?
They approach the alley's entrance to find one guy, MATT, sitting calmly, cross legged among a scene of chaos. His eyes are closed and his fingers are touched together in a meditative position. He is humming 'oooom' to himself. Broken glass, crates, tables, and chairs all liter the ground. Surrounding him on the ground are 4 guys in gang clothes, barely moving or unconscious. A fifth guy is halfway through a brick wall. The cops look at each other before addressing the man.
STACEY
Somebody will.
JASON
Oh, man, I'll call this in.
He goes back to the car while STACEY approaches MATT.
STACEY
Excuse me, did you report a mugging?
MATT raises one finger as a way of politely asking him to wait while he finishes his 'ooooms,' takes in a deep breath, and then stands up.
MATT
Sorry, it's very important to cleanse the mind as well as the body.
STACEY
And apparently the streets, as well.
MATT
Yes, I called this in.
STACEY
Can you tell me what happened?
STACEY pulls out his notepad and pencil.
MATT
Yes, I was walking down the alley, minding my own business, when suddenly I was set upon by these 5 unsavory characters. Fortunately, I am well versed in Butt Kick Do, so I was able to fend them off.
STACEY
They look more than just fended off, to me.
MATT
Our style is very thorough.
STACEY
Please continue.
MATT
Well, I was halfway through the alley when I sensed the first appear behind me to my left, tapping a lead pipe in his palm.
STACEY
Excuse me? Sensed?
MATT
Yes, Butt Kick Do develops the senses as well as the body. I could hear the sound of metal striking the hand's flesh, and I could smell the distinct tang of lead. I then sensed a second man behind me to the right, swinging a musty, old chain, chewing a toothpick, blinking rapidly, and flaring his nostrils.
STACEY
And you sensed this? Never mind. Go on.
MATT
That's when the third stepped directly before me, blocking my way. He was armed with a crowbar, which he had purchased 9 days earlier from Lowe's on sale with money he had stolen from some girl scouts.
STACEY
And how could you possibly know that?
MATT
The receipt was in his shirt pocket and he had a girl scout's order form with his cash.
STACEY
Uh, huh. And you knew this because you went through his wallet?
MATT
No, he gave it to me freely.
STACEY
Why would he do that?
MATT
I think he was trying to bribe his way out of being Butt Kick Do-ed.
STACEY shakes his head and keeps writing.
STACEY
Alright. Keep talking. Did the cookie guy say anything?
MATT
Yes. He said, "What'd you call my mother?"
STACEY
So you provoked him?
MATT responds ambiguously, (obviously lying and trying to cover).
MATT
No... uh, he must've misunderstood me. I was on my... cell phone at the time, talking to my girlfriend... about her mother.
STACEY
Then what happened?
MATT
I made a generic comment or two, you know, something you might hear on a church basket ball court. Then they attacked me.
JASON returns.
JASON
Ambulances are on their way. Hospital sent a fleet, complete with tourniquets, catheters, and the jaws of life.
STACEY turns to MATT
STACEY
Can you give me any details about the attack?
MATT
Certainly. First, I foresaw the man with the pipe attacking my head, so I carried out a preemptive strike with a back kick to the jaw. The man with the chain then swept his weapon towards my feet, but I flipped directly over him, smashing both of his ears while in midair. He collapsed like last week's laundry (chuckles). I expected Mr. Girl Scout Cookie Monster to flee for his life, but two more thugs stepped out in front of me. The one on the right lunged at me with a simple punch. So I blocked it, pinned the arm, and distributed a knife hand technique to the eyes, ears, and throat before stomping onto the back of his leg, causing him to crumple. As the other attacker advanced, I spun to throw my current victim... uh, I mean, opponent, at him. They both stumbled back and knocked over the table and chairs.
STACEY
Knocked over? Looks like they were smashed into toothpicks.
MATT
I might have underestimated their velocity... and trajectory.
JASON
You said that guy attacked with a simple straight punch.
MATT
Yes. It was quite powerless, and he forgot to plant his stance. A motionless anthill could've uprooted him.
JASON
So, after you blocked and pinned him, did you really need all the rest of those moves?
MATT
Did Leonardo only produce a portion of the Mona Lisa? Did Donatello only sculpt the David to his waist? Did Michelangelo only paint a third of the Sistine Chapel, and Raphael, only 13/38ths of the Vatican?
STACEY
Did you just reference all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
MATT
It is an art form! If we begin one maneuver, we execute them all instinctively. We are trained to react - not to think.
JASON
Didn't seem like you thought much about walking down a dark alley by yourself.
MATT
We do. We don't do not. There is no try.
STACEY
Okay, enough with the Jedi mind tricks. Finish your karate kid fairy tale.
MATT
By then, the first two had come back to their senses, which I quickly deprived them of. That required a jump, flip, double-spread eagle kick to the backs of their heads.
JASON
Really? All of your training and nothing less... violent would do?
MATT
Oh, it was great! At one point, I believe time froze around me. I could feel my own awareness spinning 360 degrees, while I remained motionless in space. (He sighs, blissfully) Then I kicked them.
STACEY
And what happened to the cookie monster?
MATT
Oh, it's all really a blur after that. I don't remember much. Just begging, screaming, crying, apologizing... "No, don't hit me again..." The usual.
STACEY
Is that when he threw his wallet at you?
MATT
Yes. But don't worry. I blocked it.
ENDING INTENTIONALLY LEFT OUT
CAST:
COP 1 - Jason
COP 2 - Stacey
MARTIAL ARTS MAN - Matt
5 GANG MEMBERS
Two uniformed police officers approach the entrance of an alley. Their red and blue sirens are lighting up the stores nearby.
JASON
What's up?
STACEY
We got the report of a mugging. Some guy was attacked by a whole gang.
JASON whistles.
JASON
Poor guy. Is he going to need an ambulance?
They approach the alley's entrance to find one guy, MATT, sitting calmly, cross legged among a scene of chaos. His eyes are closed and his fingers are touched together in a meditative position. He is humming 'oooom' to himself. Broken glass, crates, tables, and chairs all liter the ground. Surrounding him on the ground are 4 guys in gang clothes, barely moving or unconscious. A fifth guy is halfway through a brick wall. The cops look at each other before addressing the man.
STACEY
Somebody will.
JASON
Oh, man, I'll call this in.
He goes back to the car while STACEY approaches MATT.
STACEY
Excuse me, did you report a mugging?
MATT raises one finger as a way of politely asking him to wait while he finishes his 'ooooms,' takes in a deep breath, and then stands up.
MATT
Sorry, it's very important to cleanse the mind as well as the body.
STACEY
And apparently the streets, as well.
MATT
Yes, I called this in.
STACEY
Can you tell me what happened?
STACEY pulls out his notepad and pencil.
MATT
Yes, I was walking down the alley, minding my own business, when suddenly I was set upon by these 5 unsavory characters. Fortunately, I am well versed in Butt Kick Do, so I was able to fend them off.
STACEY
They look more than just fended off, to me.
MATT
Our style is very thorough.
STACEY
Please continue.
MATT
Well, I was halfway through the alley when I sensed the first appear behind me to my left, tapping a lead pipe in his palm.
STACEY
Excuse me? Sensed?
MATT
Yes, Butt Kick Do develops the senses as well as the body. I could hear the sound of metal striking the hand's flesh, and I could smell the distinct tang of lead. I then sensed a second man behind me to the right, swinging a musty, old chain, chewing a toothpick, blinking rapidly, and flaring his nostrils.
STACEY
And you sensed this? Never mind. Go on.
MATT
That's when the third stepped directly before me, blocking my way. He was armed with a crowbar, which he had purchased 9 days earlier from Lowe's on sale with money he had stolen from some girl scouts.
STACEY
And how could you possibly know that?
MATT
The receipt was in his shirt pocket and he had a girl scout's order form with his cash.
STACEY
Uh, huh. And you knew this because you went through his wallet?
MATT
No, he gave it to me freely.
STACEY
Why would he do that?
MATT
I think he was trying to bribe his way out of being Butt Kick Do-ed.
STACEY shakes his head and keeps writing.
STACEY
Alright. Keep talking. Did the cookie guy say anything?
MATT
Yes. He said, "What'd you call my mother?"
STACEY
So you provoked him?
MATT responds ambiguously, (obviously lying and trying to cover).
MATT
No... uh, he must've misunderstood me. I was on my... cell phone at the time, talking to my girlfriend... about her mother.
STACEY
Then what happened?
MATT
I made a generic comment or two, you know, something you might hear on a church basket ball court. Then they attacked me.
JASON returns.
JASON
Ambulances are on their way. Hospital sent a fleet, complete with tourniquets, catheters, and the jaws of life.
STACEY turns to MATT
STACEY
Can you give me any details about the attack?
MATT
Certainly. First, I foresaw the man with the pipe attacking my head, so I carried out a preemptive strike with a back kick to the jaw. The man with the chain then swept his weapon towards my feet, but I flipped directly over him, smashing both of his ears while in midair. He collapsed like last week's laundry (chuckles). I expected Mr. Girl Scout Cookie Monster to flee for his life, but two more thugs stepped out in front of me. The one on the right lunged at me with a simple punch. So I blocked it, pinned the arm, and distributed a knife hand technique to the eyes, ears, and throat before stomping onto the back of his leg, causing him to crumple. As the other attacker advanced, I spun to throw my current victim... uh, I mean, opponent, at him. They both stumbled back and knocked over the table and chairs.
STACEY
Knocked over? Looks like they were smashed into toothpicks.
MATT
I might have underestimated their velocity... and trajectory.
JASON
You said that guy attacked with a simple straight punch.
MATT
Yes. It was quite powerless, and he forgot to plant his stance. A motionless anthill could've uprooted him.
JASON
So, after you blocked and pinned him, did you really need all the rest of those moves?
MATT
Did Leonardo only produce a portion of the Mona Lisa? Did Donatello only sculpt the David to his waist? Did Michelangelo only paint a third of the Sistine Chapel, and Raphael, only 13/38ths of the Vatican?
STACEY
Did you just reference all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
MATT
It is an art form! If we begin one maneuver, we execute them all instinctively. We are trained to react - not to think.
JASON
Didn't seem like you thought much about walking down a dark alley by yourself.
MATT
We do. We don't do not. There is no try.
STACEY
Okay, enough with the Jedi mind tricks. Finish your karate kid fairy tale.
MATT
By then, the first two had come back to their senses, which I quickly deprived them of. That required a jump, flip, double-spread eagle kick to the backs of their heads.
JASON
Really? All of your training and nothing less... violent would do?
MATT
Oh, it was great! At one point, I believe time froze around me. I could feel my own awareness spinning 360 degrees, while I remained motionless in space. (He sighs, blissfully) Then I kicked them.
STACEY
And what happened to the cookie monster?
MATT
Oh, it's all really a blur after that. I don't remember much. Just begging, screaming, crying, apologizing... "No, don't hit me again..." The usual.
STACEY
Is that when he threw his wallet at you?
MATT
Yes. But don't worry. I blocked it.
ENDING INTENTIONALLY LEFT OUT