Media Heroes
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Late one night, in a forgotten bar, the villains of Batman bet to undo their famous foe before the others do.
A written action/adventure script, intended as a home movie. |
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City - Main Entrance
A darkened pair of double doors serves as the backdrop for our hero’s entrance as the title and credits appear. Doors look dark, foreboding, and covered with cobwebs. Lights slowly glow from behind the double doors before they open and our hero enters, casting his silhouette in the doorway.
Our hero, Colorado Pownz, stands before the mess of the abandoned warehouse. He wears an old fedora hat and a 3 day, 4 o’clock shadow. He wears some old, dusty boots, leather jacket, and satchel bag and carries two work associates at his side: an old but loaded 6-shooter and a vicious but coiled bullwhip. Pownz is from an older age where the electronic world never surfaced its head into his own. Although he is considered a dinosaur its often forgotten that many are predators with teeth.
His information source, Larry Brown, enters behind him. His old employee days are far behind him and it shows on his scraggly, unkempt beard. He wears glasses to help focus his keen but greedy mind. He sports a red t-shirt underneath and a long-sleeved plaid shirt over it with rolled-up sleeves. He carries an open, and active laptop with him.
Colorado Pownz stands with his hands on his hips and looks over the mounds of forgotten garbage before him. Larry grins with the determined face of one eager for revenge and begins to consult his laptop.
COLORADO POWNZ: You’re sure it’s here…
Excitedly, Larry has opened his notebook and has his nose buried in it.
LARRY BROWN: I worked for them for 12 years and they never touched this place. It’s here.
Larry pulls out a cell phone and tries to make a call.
COLORADO POWNZ: Be careful. Watch out for falling debris, traps, and spiders.
Absent-mindedly, Larry answers.
LARRY BROWN: Nah, spiders are nice. See... they just crawl through the system and (insert definition regarding spiders).
Larry shows his laptop to Pownz. A real spider crawls over its casing.
LARRY BROWN: Sometimes on top of it.
He softly snickers as he flicks the spider off from it.
LARRY BROWN: Sometimes on top of it. Off you go now. Pownz just frowns.
COLORADO POWNZ: Where is it?
Larry sporadically turns around while still looking at his laptop.
LARRY BROWN: Should be...
Larry stops turning and looks up at the direction they were traveling and points in front of them.
LARRY BROWN: Dead ahead.
COLORADO POWNZ: Alright, knock it off with the foreshadowing, ok?
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – Hallway Entrance
The two adventurers power their flashlights and stare into the horizontal abyss that lays before them. A darkened tunnel, littered by a forgotten stockpile of now-worthless supplies. Squaring their shoulders they begin into the maze. They are not far into the maze when their first series of problems arise. Approaching carefully from behind, Larry nervously calls to his guide.
LARRY BROWN: …hey, mister…
Colorado Pownz turns to face him and looks to his back, where Larry is pointing. A lone, fluffy kitten is secured tight to the back of Pownz’s jacket. Frowning, Pownz picks it off and drops it to the ground as Larry tries not to panic when he spies another kitten on his own shoulder. Pownz looks at him and motions for him to slowly spin around. As he does his back is completely covered in kittens. Pownz brushes them all off with his whip. We see them as they land on their feet and scurry away meowing as they leave.
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – Forklift trap
As the pair are walking forward there is a lull in the hallway’s lighting that appears to be out of place. Pownz looks up and around. Larry still has his nose buried in his notebook. He notices that Pownz has stopped moving and points ahead of him.
LARRY BROWN: It’s this way.
He starts forward when Pownz holds out his hand to stop Larry.
COLORADO POWNZ: Stop, there’s something very wrong here…
Pownz looks around and moves to a safe place on the garbage lining the walls. Larry looks confused until Pownz then sticks his hand out. The motion sensor is activated and a forklift comes charging out to crash into the wall. It misses Pownz’s hand by a fraction before crawling back into the wall. Larry visually gulps.
COLORADO POWNZ: Guess they didn’t trust their employees.
Colorado Pownz glares at Larry.
COLORADO POWNZ: You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?
Larry just shrugs as if saying it wasn’t his fault.
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – hallway sign
Pownz and Larry continue on, leaving the danger of the forklift trap behind them. They come up to an old sign hanging on the wall. Pownz brushes a hand across it to clear it of the dust. It is a round, red logo with the words “Circuit City” on it. Pownz tries to clear off more to read it.
COLORADO POWNZ: Another logo. You recognize it?
Larry moves on, clearly unmoved by the logo.
LARRY BROWN: It’s Circuit City.
COLORADO POWNZ: You sure?
LARRY BROWN: Pretty sure…
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – mouse trap
Pownz and a companion are traveling through some underground catacombs. Pownz looks down and mumbles,
BROWN: Pownz, the floor is moving... Rats?
COLORADO POWNZ: No... mice.
The shot pans down to show dozens of filthy, computer mice all running around. They watch their feet as they try to avoid stepping on the dirty mice as they make their way through.
LARRY BROWN: Well, that explains the cats!
Pownz gives him a dirty look. Larry shrugs.
LARRY BROWN: Just kidding…
As they come to the far side of the pit, the camera briefly focuses on them carefully navigating over a trip hazard on the edge.
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – The Final Chapter of a Fallen Hero
The camera pans horribly far from the scene of our heroes to a motley group of costumed villains. World Wide Woman wears a golden, triple ‘W’ on her chest, a golden tiara on her head, and golden wrist bracelets. Netman wears all black with a large, black cape and yellow belt. CyberMan has his shield-logo on his chest, is large and strong, and wears red boots and cape. Another villains wears normal clothes and stands hidden behind them. They are backing a costumed hero into a corner: Spyder Web wears a red body suit covered in web lines. Spyder Web looks beaten down and defeated as the computer villains close in on him.
NETMAN: Now where do you think you’re going, Web-ster?
CYBERMAN: I’m going to download my fist in your face!
He smacks his fist into his hand.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: Not before I reformat his soft drive!
SPYDER WEB: You can’t do this! The freedom of the web depends on it!
NETMAN: Finally, we get to unmask you and find out who you really are!
Netman steps forward and rips the mask off of Spyder Web as he screams in protest. They all pull back in surprise.
CYBERMAN: It’s… it’s… Al Gore!
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: I thought for sure it’d be one of the IT guys…
NETMAN: Pay up.
World Wide Woman gives Netman some cash. CyberMan sticks his finger in Spyder Web’s face.
CYBERMAN: You’re no computer genius!
SPYDER WEB: You’re right, I’m not! I got all my super computer powers from the magic of the Gold Book!
NETMAN: Where is it? Where’s the gold?
They all lean in. Even beaten, Spyder Web is still defiant.
SPYDER WEB: Gone! I hid it, far away! It’s in a place where it’ll never be found!
Off in the distance we hear Pownz’s voice.
COLORADO POWNZ' VOICE: We found it!
Spyder Web’s head drops down.
SPYDER WEB: …crap… that’s not good.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: It isn’t for you…
He screams as all the others reach for him at the same time. Spyder Web screams but his cries are muffled by the distance.
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – The Main Storage Chamber
Colorado Pownz is standing before the final challenge. In the center of the large storage room is a series of boxes stacked to serve as a table. A light shines down from above onto a single item precariously positioned on the box-table: a flash drive. Larry is excited as he finally closes his laptop.
LARRY BROWN: It’s about time…
He tries to take one step forward but Pownz stops him with one arm.
COLORADO POWNZ: Wait.
Pownz looks around the room and sees a dozen boxes of pencils all lined up on a conveyer belt. He looks at the floor to see dozens of pieces of cardboard sheets covering most of the ground. Pownz picks up one of the cardboard pieces to see an operation control to the conveyor belt underneath. Larry is confused as Pownz picks up a piece of debris and pushes down on the cardboard. The section of the conveyor belt closest to them turns on and launches a pencil directly at Pownz’s face. It lands between Pownz’s fingers as they clutch the debris.
COLORADO POWNZ: Poison dart…
Larry looks at him incredulously.
LARRY BROWN: It’s a pencil.
Pownz hands him the debris and stands up.
COLORADO POWNZ: Lead poisoning.
Larry has a confused look.
LARRY BROWN: But pencils don’t use....
Not being able to argue, Larry sighs. Pownz prepares to cross the booby-trapped floor to the flash drive.
COLORADO POWNZ: Wait here.
LARRY BROWN: Your funeral…
Pownz then begins the long walk across the floor to the flash drive. On the conveyor belt the pencils stand at the ready to fire when needed. Victoriously, Pownz makes it before the flash drive, and expecting another trap looks carefully over it cautiously. Thinking to himself, he absent-mindedly rubs his unshaven face. Sensing his own bristles, quickly pulls out a razor and quickly runs it a few times over his face. Inspecting the flash drive again, he prepares an item to replace it with: a Pez dispenser. He takes a harsh guess in the weight of the flash drive and has it spit out a few pieces of candy. Then, holding his hands out wide, he prepares to replace the flash drive with the Pez dispenser.
His hands whip out but he only grabs the flash drive – he forgets to place the Pez dispenser. He is enjoying his prize for a moment as he starts to walk away. That’s when he realizes he is still holding the Pez dispenser. He quickly spins and stumbles to the box-table and clumsily tries to get the Pez to stand back up in the flash drive’s place. After a brief struggle with the Pez dispenser to get it to stand and carefully backs away and begins to retreat back the way he came. That’s when the Pez dispenser suddenly falls over.
He looks up as dozens of boxes start to come crashing down on top of him. Jumping away from the box-table he starts to run back towards Larry, who is still holding the debris Pownz used to test to the pencil-trap. Slyly, Larry throws the debris at Pownz’s feet, tripping him. The flash drive bounces out of his hands, skids across the floor, and lands directly in front of Larry. Pownz ducks as a dozen pencils sail over his head and looks up and sees Larry pick it up then waves him goodbye.
LARRY BROWN: Adios, amigo!
Colorado Pownz mumbles under his breath.
COLORADO POWNZ: Never mentioned he speaks Spanish…
Larry runs out as Pownz tries to stand but more pencils flash by overhead. Gathering himself, Pownz hurls himself forward into a shoulder-roll that safely takes himself past the pencil-trap. Boxes are still falling down around him so he dashes out after Larry.
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – Forklift trap
For a spoof, it feels that Larry dying from the forklift trap it too predictable, and when something is too predictable throw the viewer a loop. Have Jeremy be dead ?
How about Al Gore, since we showed him earlier?
Larry could have seen Al, be distracted, and fallen on the mice.
Pownz is still running from the falling debris when he comes across, <an expendable bad guy from earlier or just misc guyr> caught by the forklift trap that Pownz warned Larry about. Although there is nothing harming him, he appears quite deceased. The forks of the forklift are holding him up under either side of his arm and his head lolls over to the side.
Pownz makes his way to the mice trap and sees a bunch of mice covering him, one of his feet caught on or tripped into the pit from the previously shown trip hazard. Pownz pries the flash drive from his dead, cold fingers after much effort.
COLORADO POWNZ: Adios, gringo…
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – Hallway Entrance – Bowling Ball trap
Pownz is almost on his way out when he trips on a wire. He turns around to see an object rolling towards him. Panicked, he starts to run. The round, rolling object follows him and it is right on it’s heels. He can only see a close up of the object as it chases him down. Pownz sees the double doors in front of him with a web-Pownz of cables and computer cords in front of him. He crashes through the cords and cables, dragging them with him as he fights to the double doors. He reaches the double doors and reaches out for them.
Pownz then crashes through the set of double doors to safety as we now see the object in motion – a bowling ball of regular size.
Which brings up a continuity flaw going from Circuit City to Office Depot. Seems kinda strange because I’ve never seen them built that way.
Int. Office Depot – Paper aisle - During regular store hours
Pownz’s anti-climatic jump lands him into the paper section of Office Depot. The store is filled with regular shoppers as Pownz, in a panic, fights to shed the cords from him, with no success. Looking up, he sees the store patrons looking at him in dismay. Frazzled, he stands and tries to allow his demeanor to surface. He grabs the first thing he sees off of the shelf and mumbles.
COLORADO POWNZ: Oh, here, they are… been looking for these…
He then shuffles off to the register, still upset by the cords and cables.
Int. Office Depot – register - During regular store hours
There are several people in line ahead of him and Pownz is forced to wait in painful silence for a few moments. He gets to the register and begins to pay for the items.
Store register clerk: Find everything okay?
The store register clerk looks up at Pownz, who is covered in cobwebs, cords, dust and kitten hair. Pownz gives him the look that says more than words can.
COLORADO POWNZ: Cords. I hate cords!
The store register clerk raises his eyebrows as he swipes the item.
Store register clerk: I’ll take that as a ‘no….’
Pownz grabs the bag and stalks outside. As Pownz is exiting the store the clerk yells out to him.
Store register clerk: Would you like to fill out a comment card?!
Ex. Office Depot – in front of the store - During regular store hours
We see his vehicle drive away, victorious.
Chapter 2:
Int. Pedestrian White background
Our new heroes’ fanfare theme begins as a sniper’s sights follow him entering from the right of the screen the center. The background behind him is plain white. Right before he reaches the center of the screen he quickly turns around and jumps back, out of the sights. The sights try to follow him and we see just his leg before it vanishes off screen. It pans up, searching for him, but he’s not there. It pans to the left to see him just before he ducks down. It pans down, trying to find him again to no avail. Suddenly, Jones Bomb pops up in front of the sniper’s sights with his fist pulled back. A quick punch and the sniper’s sights shake violently then turn 90 degrees to the right and land a couple feet down on the ground with a thud.
Ex. Office Depot – in front of the store - During regular store hours
The sights are still rotated to the side and then start going fuzzy then clear then fuzzy and zooming in and out then back, then finally, in focus and zoomed out far enough to see a banner, “Going out of Business! Everything must go!” and the rest of the storefront as our character walks from taking up the entire screen over to and going into the store.
Int. Office Depot – front door - During regular store hours
The camera follows our hero in through the front door and we see the interior of the store for the first time: pandemonium is in full progress as a store-buying riot is taking place. Dozens of customers are shouting at each other, trying to steal each other’s items, and standing in long lines at the register. He mumbles to himself.
JONES BOMB: Buyer’s market… Everyone else's nightmare...
We see our hero for the first time now: Jones Bomb, in a nice, well-tailored suit. His hair is well groomed, his shoes polished, and his keen senses alert. With one hand in his pocket he enters the mad-cap mayhem of the store. He ducks to inadvertently tie his shoe as an office chair sails over his head. While he is down he pulls a small paperclip from his pocket and thumbs it on. It blinks and tones as he scans it back and forth. He looks up to see if the coast is clearer before moving forward. He successfully dodges one customer taking a swing at another with a cork board before moving into the computer aisle.
Int. Office Depot – computer aisle - During regular store hours
Jones Bomb approaches the computer aisle, following the pings of the paperclip, where a harried employee in full body armor is talking to a frantic customer about a certain, familiar-looking laptop. The Frantic Customer is waving an office lamp like a weapon.
FRANTIC CUSTOMER: But does it have Intel inside?
HARRIED EMPLOYEE: I don’t know! We just found it in the back! We don’t know anything about it!
Jones Bomb approaches the two of them.
JONES BOMB: Excuse me, perhaps I can be of assistance.
Jones Bomb waves his paper clip over the laptop and it tones in the positive. He lowers the small device.
JONES BOMB: This particular lap boasts of (X: CPU speed, memory capacity, internet speed, special features, etc.)
FRANTIC CUSTOMER: Wow! That’s great. I’ll take it.
JONES BOMB: Unfortunately, it’s not for sale.
FRANTIC CUSTOMER: But the sign outside says…
Jones silences him with a quick uppercut. Frantic customer’s eyes roll to the top of his head and he sinks to the ground. Jones watches him sink to the ground.
JONES BOMB: Not to you, anyway.
Jones pulls out a gun and hands it to the Harried Employee.
HARRIED EMPLOYEE: Oh, thank you! It’s been life and death here.
He pats him on the shoulder as he picks up the laptop.
JONES BOMB: Use it only as a last resort.
The Harried Employee looks at it as Jones Bomb walks away.
JONES BOMB: Just not on yourself.
We then see Jones leaving the building carrying the laptop from the view of the earlier sniper’s sights still rotated to the side on the ground. Jones is walking towards it. As he gets closer, the sights pick up off the ground and start to correct themselves. Just then you see a close up of Jones’s shoe coming in for a kick. The sights turn over again and land on the ground.
Ex. Secret Service Headquarters - During the day
A quick shot of Jones Bomb’s HQ’s as he walks in.
Int. The head of USA’s Secret Service – office
A picture of Larry Brown is being shown on a large screen. It pans back as the lines are being delivered by General Rutherford, an older gentleman whose days in the service are now reduced to ordered errand-boys like Jones Bomb out to kill or be killed, all for the sake of national security. Jones Bomb is in the room, listening.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Larry Brown, aka. Sneezy, to his ex-fellow employees. Was once employed by Circuit City before the location was bought by Office Depot.
JONES BOMB: Not the most fortuitous of merchandising locals.
The picture flips to Larry’s laptop that Jones Bomb retrieved from the store.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Our intelligence shows that Larry discovered a secret hidden in the store; power, information, gold; we are not sure. However, the evidence in the laptop indicates a power of great importance was there.
JONES BOMB: And now is no longer.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Precisely.
The picture now flips to a picture of Colorado Pownz from the store’s security cameras as he is leaving the store. From a distance we see Pownz freak out as he fights to get the cables and cords off of him while walking out to his car. It’s a lengthy and embarrassing process. He finally succeeds and climbs into his vehicle.
COLORADO POWNZ' VOICE: I hate cords! I hate 'em!
He continues to yell and scream while trying to get rid of cables and cobwebs.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: The laptop you retrieved indicates that this man may have been working with Larry.
A close up picture of Colorado Pownz now is slid on the screen.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Dr. Colorado Pownz. Treasure seeker, adventurer, and lost relic bounty hunter.
The lights now come up and General Rutherford turns to face Jones Bomb. He hands him a folder with information in it. Jones Bomb opens it to the picture of Colorado Pownz.
JONES BOMB: Looks like a relic himself.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: But a professional one at that. So be careful.
Jones Bomb looks at a plane ticket in the folder.
JONES BOMB: Russia?
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Dr. James left this morning. You’re scheduled for the next flight out yourself.
Jones starts for the door.
JONES BOMB: Then I’d best not disappoint.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Commander Bomb, I know I don’t have to express the urgency of this mission. We don’t know what this power is, what it can do, or where it is. We expect you to find out.
JONES BOMB: And it’s good to know that you’re concerned for my safety, as well, sir.
Jones Bomb heads towards the door.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Oh, and Jones...
Jones stops and turns around.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: We ARE concerned for your safety... But we are also on a budget. Good luck.
Jones looks confused then exits.
Ex. Airport – day
We see the underside of a plane as it lifts off. We then see a in cabin shot of Jones sitting in coach in between a mother with a crying child and a loud snorer as his head falls on to Jones’s shoulder.
JONES BOMB: I hate flying coach...
Animation – Map
We see the map of the United States. A red dot is lit in New York and a red line draws across the map to Paris France, where a new red dot forms. Almost to Paris you hear the child throw up.
BABY'S MOTHER'S VOICE: I’m so sorry, that was a nice suit.
From there the line draws another dot and stops temporarily. We hear Bomb sound almost sad.
JONES BOMB'S VOICE: What do you mean, there's no martinis on this flight?
Bomb’s dot continues along the same path, meanwhile another path starts someplace from one of the dots Bomb has already been and goes more south. Each line continues drawing and stopping creating new red dots. This continues on until the lines and dots meet at the same time in Prague, Russia, where it stops create the picture of a pony.
JONES BOMB'S VOICE: Where’s my luggage?
It would take more time than necessary to draw the entire pony with one line and we can throw in an extra joke.
Ex. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
Natanya’s Café is a hot-spot for the local, computer-going night life. Again, the camera follows behind one of the soon-to-be customer’s as he enters into the café. We see the sign as he enters in through the door.
Int. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
The camera continues to follow the customer into the café and we hear the noise of a crowd brewing. It sounds as though there is some type of competition going on. The customer continues on towards the crowd to watch. As he gets closer he moves off to the left and we can see that Natanya and another patron are engaged in an online video game battle.
It appears to be an old video-pong game where the contestants have to take a shot-glass drink between ‘pong’s and the Video Game Patron is winning. Natanya is getting frustrated but manages to pull it together and in the end she wins. The crowd shouts in triumph as the Video Game Patron slumps forward, dejected and passed out, in his defeat. The crowd’s losers passes their money around to the betting winners. Natanya stands and calls for the end of the night in Russian. The crowds start out as Pownz saunters in. Natanya is shutting down the computers as they leave. Finally, the last exits out the door and Pownz steps forward.
COLORADO POWNZ: здравствуйте (In Russian – Hello), Natanya…
She turns around to see him. She folds her arms and views him. She walks towards him, shaking her head.
COLORADO POWNZ: Still playing beer pong? You should get an X-Box like the rest of us. Just as dangerous…
NATANYA: Pownz… I always knew you’d pop up like an unwanted ad window. What are you doing here?
COLORADO POWNZ: Hopin’ you can translate something for me.
Upon reaching him Natanya punches him in the face. He holds his chin as he glares at her.
COLORADO POWNZ: What was that for?
She shrugs.
NATANYA: I dunno. Seemed like the right thing to do.
Pownz quickly holds up the flash drive. She looks at him, then at the drive, before snatching it away.
NATANYA: What is it?
COLORADO POWNZ: Power. Gold. Both. Neither. The guy wasn’t forth coming.
NATANYA: You don't need my help. You speak dozens of languages.
COLORADO POWNZ: Not computer gibberish.
She plugs in the flash drive and a recreation of Atari’s 2600 Pac Man comes up. She looks at him.
NATANYA: Awfully expensive practical joke.
He comes up behind her and points to the corner of the screen.
COLORADO POWNZ: Dangerous, too. The guy took the gag to his grave.
In the corner of the screen is a small that has nothing to do with the game.
NATANYA: What is it?
COLORADO POWNZ: A secret panel. Trap door. Hidden passageway. You tell me.
She clicks on it and a flash of images all explode on the screen in text/chat speak of lolcats with pictures.
NATANYA: (exclamation in Russian)
COLORADO POWNZ: You can say that again.
Natanya repeats what she just said as a question.
NATANYA: Why, I already just remembered to let cat out.
COLORADO POWNZ: I thought you meant.. but didn’t you... huh?
Lost me on this one. Try again?
Natanya begins to print the screens out.
NATANYA: This will take some time. Come back tomorrow.
COLORADO POWNZ: How do I know you’ll be here tomorrow?
NATANYA: Trust me.
COLORADO POWNZ: Trust the girl that just punched me in the face?!
He grimaces but she holds his gaze. He finally stands up and makes his way to the door. She laughs as he departs out the door.
NATANYA: прощание Das Vadanah, (Russian – Farewell) Colorado Pownz…
The door closes and Natanya moves towards the printer. She picks up one of the sheets as it prints. It is comprised of “0’s” and “1’s” in the shape of a book with a logo on the front.
NATANYA: …the Gold Book…
She inspects it as the lights suddenly flicker. The front door suddenly opens and in walks Jones Bomb, by himself. He is wearing another suit and a slick smile.
JONES BOMB: (In Russian – Hello, madam.)
NATANYA: I’m afraid it is past business hours.
JONES BOMB: That’s very convenient; I’m not here on business.
She looks up at him.
NATANYA: Pleasure then; that establishment is down the street.
JONES BOMB: Was that what brought Dr. James here, pleasure, or business?
She looks up at him from over the computer.
NATANYA: What do you know of Dr. Pownz?
Jones starts to move around the computer towards her. He takes a deep breath to help prepare answer her question.
JONES BOMB: Professor of archeology from Nantucket, studied under Dr. Sherman from Pawhonic, NB, expert in his field on the occult, obtainer of rare antiquities, shoe size 11, belt size 34”, loves moonlight walks on the beach, and cries every time the Ewok dies in “Return of the Jedi.”
NATANYA: Sorry I asked.
He steps up now to the printer and selects the top sheet.
JONES BOMB: I am too. But is this what Dr. Pownz wanted?
She steps up to him and grabs the sheet of paper from his hand.
NATANYA: (In Russian – No!) Don’t touch that!
JONES BOMB: Sorry, I thought we might share information. I told you what I could about Dr. Pownz … Why don’t you reciprocate?
NATANYA: I’m not that kind of girl.
He moves closer to her.
JONES BOMB: The untrusting kind?
NATANYA: The kind that needs to be earned.
He takes her hand.
JONES BOMB: I’m sure I can earn your trust.
NATANYA: How?
JONES BOMB: By saving your life in the inevitable, upcoming action scene.
The door suddenly flies open and Colorado Pownz is there with his gun in hand. They both look to him.
COLORADO POWNZ: Let her go.
JONES BOMB: See?
Suddenly the wall explodes to Pownz’s right as World Wide Woman comes through. He looks and points at Jones Bomb.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: I’m going to format your hard drive drive!
JONES BOMB: Sorry, if anything happens to me, I already have a backup.
The skylight in the ceiling now crashes in as Netman falls down and lands before Colorado Pownz. Netman throws out a little throwing star that knocks the gun out of Pownz’s hands.
COLORADO POWNZ: Who are you?
NETMAN: I’m Netman.
COLORADO POWNZ: You look like “Mouse Pad Man” to me.
Netman throws a roundhouse but Pownz blocks it. Colorado Pownz mocks him.
COLORADO POWNZ: You just got shut down!
Netman now throws a quick snap kick to Pownz’ face that clobbers Pownz back against the wall.
NETMAN: Consider that a reboot.
The two titans start to fight and Natanya runs back behind the café counter to hide.
Ex. Natanya’s interPownz café – nighttime
Outside, looking in, two bad guys are watching through the window. One is dressed in military fatigues and carries a chain wrapped around his torso and arm.
CHAIN-MAIM: Now?
The other bad guy, standing next to him, raises one finger.
COL. SNIDE: Don’t you know that fight scenes always need to build UP to a climax. It’s just the way things are done.
CHAIN-MAIM: So... Not now.
Snide shakes his head.
Int. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
World Wide Woman swings at Jones Bomb, who tries to drops him with a foot sweep, but nothing happens.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: Ha! I’m invincible!
JONES BOMB: I’ve heard that before…
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: I’m also faster than a speeding (super fast interPownz connection type) connection…
World Wide Woman now picks him up and throws him against the wall. Before Jones Bomb can stand, World Wide Woman is on top of him.
World Wide Woman: …more powerful than a (super powerful CPU type)…
Again, Jones Bomb sails across the room. He lands across the counter, where Natanya is hiding… and filing her nails. World Wide Woman comes up behind him and puts his head in a headlock.
World Wide Woman: …and able to leap from website to website!
Ex. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
Outside Maim we see Maim asks Snide with anticipation.
CHAIN-MAIM: Now?
COL. SNIDE: Almost.
Int. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
Jones Bomb is choking when he looks down to Natanya
JONES BOMB: …print out…?
Natanya looks to the printer and hands him a sheet of paper, which Jones Bomb slices World Wide Woman with.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: Ow! Papercut…!
World Wide Woman falls back, screaming.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: How did you find my weakness?
JONES BOMB: Elementary. Every computer suffers from paper jams.
Jones Bomb rips the paper in half and holds out a piece in each hand.
JONES BOMB: En guard!
World Wide Woman grins.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: Thanks for the warning.
Ex. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
Outside, looking in, the two bad guys are still waiting.
Maim asks again excitedly.
CHAIN-MAIM: How about now?
COL. SNIDE: Do it.
Maim picks up a grenade and is about to throw it.
COL. SNIDE: STOP!!
CHAIN-MAIM: WHAT?! You said it was time.
COL. SNIDE: I said wait until the fight reaches a...?
Maim looks confused then with a flash of inspiration chuckles as he drops the grenade and picks up a bazooka.
CHAIN-MAIM: Climax!
COL. SNIDE: Climax indeed.
Int. Natanya’s interPownz café – nighttime
Colorado Pownz stands and takes the fight back to Netman.
COLORADO POWNZ: Hope you’ve picked out a piece of heaven ‘cause I’m sendin’ you there on a one way trip.
NETMAN: Not ‘till after I send you to Cloud 9.
Pownz throws the first right punch, which Netman blocks. Pownz doesn’t hesitate to throw a left and Netman blocks that one, too. Netman then ducks Pownz’s next right but it sets him up for Pownz’s left uppercut. Netman flies back but Pownz lets his whip fly out and wrap around his ankle. Pownz pulls him back into his whip-holding right punch. Netman staggers back, holding his mouth.
NETMAN: Impressive.
COLORADO POWNZ: You should see my stamp collection.
NETMAN: I’d rather take your blood sample.
Netman holds up a small device and a grappling hook cord flies out to wrap Pownz’s hands around his body. Pownz fights it for a moment and when he looks up Netman comes flying down and plasters Pownz in the face with a kick. Pownz falls back a second time against the wall. He looks up as Netman steps in to punch him. Pownz takes the punch to the face, then the midsection, then to the face again. Pownz looks up with a gleam in his eyes as Netman pulls back for another face punch. Pownz then steps forward and plants a headbutt in Netman’s cowl/face. Pownz drives a shoulder into Netman’s chest, throwing him to the ground.
COLORADO POWNZ: And here’s my stamp collection!
Pownz prepares to stomp on Netman’s face but Netman catches his foot. Netman then sweeps his leg to drop Pownz to the ground. Netman rolls to his feet.
NETMAN: Return to sender…
ENDING INTENTIONALLY LEFT OUT
A darkened pair of double doors serves as the backdrop for our hero’s entrance as the title and credits appear. Doors look dark, foreboding, and covered with cobwebs. Lights slowly glow from behind the double doors before they open and our hero enters, casting his silhouette in the doorway.
Our hero, Colorado Pownz, stands before the mess of the abandoned warehouse. He wears an old fedora hat and a 3 day, 4 o’clock shadow. He wears some old, dusty boots, leather jacket, and satchel bag and carries two work associates at his side: an old but loaded 6-shooter and a vicious but coiled bullwhip. Pownz is from an older age where the electronic world never surfaced its head into his own. Although he is considered a dinosaur its often forgotten that many are predators with teeth.
His information source, Larry Brown, enters behind him. His old employee days are far behind him and it shows on his scraggly, unkempt beard. He wears glasses to help focus his keen but greedy mind. He sports a red t-shirt underneath and a long-sleeved plaid shirt over it with rolled-up sleeves. He carries an open, and active laptop with him.
Colorado Pownz stands with his hands on his hips and looks over the mounds of forgotten garbage before him. Larry grins with the determined face of one eager for revenge and begins to consult his laptop.
COLORADO POWNZ: You’re sure it’s here…
Excitedly, Larry has opened his notebook and has his nose buried in it.
LARRY BROWN: I worked for them for 12 years and they never touched this place. It’s here.
Larry pulls out a cell phone and tries to make a call.
COLORADO POWNZ: Be careful. Watch out for falling debris, traps, and spiders.
Absent-mindedly, Larry answers.
LARRY BROWN: Nah, spiders are nice. See... they just crawl through the system and (insert definition regarding spiders).
Larry shows his laptop to Pownz. A real spider crawls over its casing.
LARRY BROWN: Sometimes on top of it.
He softly snickers as he flicks the spider off from it.
LARRY BROWN: Sometimes on top of it. Off you go now. Pownz just frowns.
COLORADO POWNZ: Where is it?
Larry sporadically turns around while still looking at his laptop.
LARRY BROWN: Should be...
Larry stops turning and looks up at the direction they were traveling and points in front of them.
LARRY BROWN: Dead ahead.
COLORADO POWNZ: Alright, knock it off with the foreshadowing, ok?
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – Hallway Entrance
The two adventurers power their flashlights and stare into the horizontal abyss that lays before them. A darkened tunnel, littered by a forgotten stockpile of now-worthless supplies. Squaring their shoulders they begin into the maze. They are not far into the maze when their first series of problems arise. Approaching carefully from behind, Larry nervously calls to his guide.
LARRY BROWN: …hey, mister…
Colorado Pownz turns to face him and looks to his back, where Larry is pointing. A lone, fluffy kitten is secured tight to the back of Pownz’s jacket. Frowning, Pownz picks it off and drops it to the ground as Larry tries not to panic when he spies another kitten on his own shoulder. Pownz looks at him and motions for him to slowly spin around. As he does his back is completely covered in kittens. Pownz brushes them all off with his whip. We see them as they land on their feet and scurry away meowing as they leave.
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – Forklift trap
As the pair are walking forward there is a lull in the hallway’s lighting that appears to be out of place. Pownz looks up and around. Larry still has his nose buried in his notebook. He notices that Pownz has stopped moving and points ahead of him.
LARRY BROWN: It’s this way.
He starts forward when Pownz holds out his hand to stop Larry.
COLORADO POWNZ: Stop, there’s something very wrong here…
Pownz looks around and moves to a safe place on the garbage lining the walls. Larry looks confused until Pownz then sticks his hand out. The motion sensor is activated and a forklift comes charging out to crash into the wall. It misses Pownz’s hand by a fraction before crawling back into the wall. Larry visually gulps.
COLORADO POWNZ: Guess they didn’t trust their employees.
Colorado Pownz glares at Larry.
COLORADO POWNZ: You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?
Larry just shrugs as if saying it wasn’t his fault.
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – hallway sign
Pownz and Larry continue on, leaving the danger of the forklift trap behind them. They come up to an old sign hanging on the wall. Pownz brushes a hand across it to clear it of the dust. It is a round, red logo with the words “Circuit City” on it. Pownz tries to clear off more to read it.
COLORADO POWNZ: Another logo. You recognize it?
Larry moves on, clearly unmoved by the logo.
LARRY BROWN: It’s Circuit City.
COLORADO POWNZ: You sure?
LARRY BROWN: Pretty sure…
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – mouse trap
Pownz and a companion are traveling through some underground catacombs. Pownz looks down and mumbles,
BROWN: Pownz, the floor is moving... Rats?
COLORADO POWNZ: No... mice.
The shot pans down to show dozens of filthy, computer mice all running around. They watch their feet as they try to avoid stepping on the dirty mice as they make their way through.
LARRY BROWN: Well, that explains the cats!
Pownz gives him a dirty look. Larry shrugs.
LARRY BROWN: Just kidding…
As they come to the far side of the pit, the camera briefly focuses on them carefully navigating over a trip hazard on the edge.
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – The Final Chapter of a Fallen Hero
The camera pans horribly far from the scene of our heroes to a motley group of costumed villains. World Wide Woman wears a golden, triple ‘W’ on her chest, a golden tiara on her head, and golden wrist bracelets. Netman wears all black with a large, black cape and yellow belt. CyberMan has his shield-logo on his chest, is large and strong, and wears red boots and cape. Another villains wears normal clothes and stands hidden behind them. They are backing a costumed hero into a corner: Spyder Web wears a red body suit covered in web lines. Spyder Web looks beaten down and defeated as the computer villains close in on him.
NETMAN: Now where do you think you’re going, Web-ster?
CYBERMAN: I’m going to download my fist in your face!
He smacks his fist into his hand.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: Not before I reformat his soft drive!
SPYDER WEB: You can’t do this! The freedom of the web depends on it!
NETMAN: Finally, we get to unmask you and find out who you really are!
Netman steps forward and rips the mask off of Spyder Web as he screams in protest. They all pull back in surprise.
CYBERMAN: It’s… it’s… Al Gore!
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: I thought for sure it’d be one of the IT guys…
NETMAN: Pay up.
World Wide Woman gives Netman some cash. CyberMan sticks his finger in Spyder Web’s face.
CYBERMAN: You’re no computer genius!
SPYDER WEB: You’re right, I’m not! I got all my super computer powers from the magic of the Gold Book!
NETMAN: Where is it? Where’s the gold?
They all lean in. Even beaten, Spyder Web is still defiant.
SPYDER WEB: Gone! I hid it, far away! It’s in a place where it’ll never be found!
Off in the distance we hear Pownz’s voice.
COLORADO POWNZ' VOICE: We found it!
Spyder Web’s head drops down.
SPYDER WEB: …crap… that’s not good.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: It isn’t for you…
He screams as all the others reach for him at the same time. Spyder Web screams but his cries are muffled by the distance.
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – The Main Storage Chamber
Colorado Pownz is standing before the final challenge. In the center of the large storage room is a series of boxes stacked to serve as a table. A light shines down from above onto a single item precariously positioned on the box-table: a flash drive. Larry is excited as he finally closes his laptop.
LARRY BROWN: It’s about time…
He tries to take one step forward but Pownz stops him with one arm.
COLORADO POWNZ: Wait.
Pownz looks around the room and sees a dozen boxes of pencils all lined up on a conveyer belt. He looks at the floor to see dozens of pieces of cardboard sheets covering most of the ground. Pownz picks up one of the cardboard pieces to see an operation control to the conveyor belt underneath. Larry is confused as Pownz picks up a piece of debris and pushes down on the cardboard. The section of the conveyor belt closest to them turns on and launches a pencil directly at Pownz’s face. It lands between Pownz’s fingers as they clutch the debris.
COLORADO POWNZ: Poison dart…
Larry looks at him incredulously.
LARRY BROWN: It’s a pencil.
Pownz hands him the debris and stands up.
COLORADO POWNZ: Lead poisoning.
Larry has a confused look.
LARRY BROWN: But pencils don’t use....
Not being able to argue, Larry sighs. Pownz prepares to cross the booby-trapped floor to the flash drive.
COLORADO POWNZ: Wait here.
LARRY BROWN: Your funeral…
Pownz then begins the long walk across the floor to the flash drive. On the conveyor belt the pencils stand at the ready to fire when needed. Victoriously, Pownz makes it before the flash drive, and expecting another trap looks carefully over it cautiously. Thinking to himself, he absent-mindedly rubs his unshaven face. Sensing his own bristles, quickly pulls out a razor and quickly runs it a few times over his face. Inspecting the flash drive again, he prepares an item to replace it with: a Pez dispenser. He takes a harsh guess in the weight of the flash drive and has it spit out a few pieces of candy. Then, holding his hands out wide, he prepares to replace the flash drive with the Pez dispenser.
His hands whip out but he only grabs the flash drive – he forgets to place the Pez dispenser. He is enjoying his prize for a moment as he starts to walk away. That’s when he realizes he is still holding the Pez dispenser. He quickly spins and stumbles to the box-table and clumsily tries to get the Pez to stand back up in the flash drive’s place. After a brief struggle with the Pez dispenser to get it to stand and carefully backs away and begins to retreat back the way he came. That’s when the Pez dispenser suddenly falls over.
He looks up as dozens of boxes start to come crashing down on top of him. Jumping away from the box-table he starts to run back towards Larry, who is still holding the debris Pownz used to test to the pencil-trap. Slyly, Larry throws the debris at Pownz’s feet, tripping him. The flash drive bounces out of his hands, skids across the floor, and lands directly in front of Larry. Pownz ducks as a dozen pencils sail over his head and looks up and sees Larry pick it up then waves him goodbye.
LARRY BROWN: Adios, amigo!
Colorado Pownz mumbles under his breath.
COLORADO POWNZ: Never mentioned he speaks Spanish…
Larry runs out as Pownz tries to stand but more pencils flash by overhead. Gathering himself, Pownz hurls himself forward into a shoulder-roll that safely takes himself past the pencil-trap. Boxes are still falling down around him so he dashes out after Larry.
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – Forklift trap
For a spoof, it feels that Larry dying from the forklift trap it too predictable, and when something is too predictable throw the viewer a loop. Have Jeremy be dead ?
How about Al Gore, since we showed him earlier?
Larry could have seen Al, be distracted, and fallen on the mice.
Pownz is still running from the falling debris when he comes across, <an expendable bad guy from earlier or just misc guyr> caught by the forklift trap that Pownz warned Larry about. Although there is nothing harming him, he appears quite deceased. The forks of the forklift are holding him up under either side of his arm and his head lolls over to the side.
Pownz makes his way to the mice trap and sees a bunch of mice covering him, one of his feet caught on or tripped into the pit from the previously shown trip hazard. Pownz pries the flash drive from his dead, cold fingers after much effort.
COLORADO POWNZ: Adios, gringo…
Int. The Lost Warehouse of Circuit City – Hallway Entrance – Bowling Ball trap
Pownz is almost on his way out when he trips on a wire. He turns around to see an object rolling towards him. Panicked, he starts to run. The round, rolling object follows him and it is right on it’s heels. He can only see a close up of the object as it chases him down. Pownz sees the double doors in front of him with a web-Pownz of cables and computer cords in front of him. He crashes through the cords and cables, dragging them with him as he fights to the double doors. He reaches the double doors and reaches out for them.
Pownz then crashes through the set of double doors to safety as we now see the object in motion – a bowling ball of regular size.
Which brings up a continuity flaw going from Circuit City to Office Depot. Seems kinda strange because I’ve never seen them built that way.
Int. Office Depot – Paper aisle - During regular store hours
Pownz’s anti-climatic jump lands him into the paper section of Office Depot. The store is filled with regular shoppers as Pownz, in a panic, fights to shed the cords from him, with no success. Looking up, he sees the store patrons looking at him in dismay. Frazzled, he stands and tries to allow his demeanor to surface. He grabs the first thing he sees off of the shelf and mumbles.
COLORADO POWNZ: Oh, here, they are… been looking for these…
He then shuffles off to the register, still upset by the cords and cables.
Int. Office Depot – register - During regular store hours
There are several people in line ahead of him and Pownz is forced to wait in painful silence for a few moments. He gets to the register and begins to pay for the items.
Store register clerk: Find everything okay?
The store register clerk looks up at Pownz, who is covered in cobwebs, cords, dust and kitten hair. Pownz gives him the look that says more than words can.
COLORADO POWNZ: Cords. I hate cords!
The store register clerk raises his eyebrows as he swipes the item.
Store register clerk: I’ll take that as a ‘no….’
Pownz grabs the bag and stalks outside. As Pownz is exiting the store the clerk yells out to him.
Store register clerk: Would you like to fill out a comment card?!
Ex. Office Depot – in front of the store - During regular store hours
We see his vehicle drive away, victorious.
Chapter 2:
Int. Pedestrian White background
Our new heroes’ fanfare theme begins as a sniper’s sights follow him entering from the right of the screen the center. The background behind him is plain white. Right before he reaches the center of the screen he quickly turns around and jumps back, out of the sights. The sights try to follow him and we see just his leg before it vanishes off screen. It pans up, searching for him, but he’s not there. It pans to the left to see him just before he ducks down. It pans down, trying to find him again to no avail. Suddenly, Jones Bomb pops up in front of the sniper’s sights with his fist pulled back. A quick punch and the sniper’s sights shake violently then turn 90 degrees to the right and land a couple feet down on the ground with a thud.
Ex. Office Depot – in front of the store - During regular store hours
The sights are still rotated to the side and then start going fuzzy then clear then fuzzy and zooming in and out then back, then finally, in focus and zoomed out far enough to see a banner, “Going out of Business! Everything must go!” and the rest of the storefront as our character walks from taking up the entire screen over to and going into the store.
Int. Office Depot – front door - During regular store hours
The camera follows our hero in through the front door and we see the interior of the store for the first time: pandemonium is in full progress as a store-buying riot is taking place. Dozens of customers are shouting at each other, trying to steal each other’s items, and standing in long lines at the register. He mumbles to himself.
JONES BOMB: Buyer’s market… Everyone else's nightmare...
We see our hero for the first time now: Jones Bomb, in a nice, well-tailored suit. His hair is well groomed, his shoes polished, and his keen senses alert. With one hand in his pocket he enters the mad-cap mayhem of the store. He ducks to inadvertently tie his shoe as an office chair sails over his head. While he is down he pulls a small paperclip from his pocket and thumbs it on. It blinks and tones as he scans it back and forth. He looks up to see if the coast is clearer before moving forward. He successfully dodges one customer taking a swing at another with a cork board before moving into the computer aisle.
Int. Office Depot – computer aisle - During regular store hours
Jones Bomb approaches the computer aisle, following the pings of the paperclip, where a harried employee in full body armor is talking to a frantic customer about a certain, familiar-looking laptop. The Frantic Customer is waving an office lamp like a weapon.
FRANTIC CUSTOMER: But does it have Intel inside?
HARRIED EMPLOYEE: I don’t know! We just found it in the back! We don’t know anything about it!
Jones Bomb approaches the two of them.
JONES BOMB: Excuse me, perhaps I can be of assistance.
Jones Bomb waves his paper clip over the laptop and it tones in the positive. He lowers the small device.
JONES BOMB: This particular lap boasts of (X: CPU speed, memory capacity, internet speed, special features, etc.)
FRANTIC CUSTOMER: Wow! That’s great. I’ll take it.
JONES BOMB: Unfortunately, it’s not for sale.
FRANTIC CUSTOMER: But the sign outside says…
Jones silences him with a quick uppercut. Frantic customer’s eyes roll to the top of his head and he sinks to the ground. Jones watches him sink to the ground.
JONES BOMB: Not to you, anyway.
Jones pulls out a gun and hands it to the Harried Employee.
HARRIED EMPLOYEE: Oh, thank you! It’s been life and death here.
He pats him on the shoulder as he picks up the laptop.
JONES BOMB: Use it only as a last resort.
The Harried Employee looks at it as Jones Bomb walks away.
JONES BOMB: Just not on yourself.
We then see Jones leaving the building carrying the laptop from the view of the earlier sniper’s sights still rotated to the side on the ground. Jones is walking towards it. As he gets closer, the sights pick up off the ground and start to correct themselves. Just then you see a close up of Jones’s shoe coming in for a kick. The sights turn over again and land on the ground.
Ex. Secret Service Headquarters - During the day
A quick shot of Jones Bomb’s HQ’s as he walks in.
Int. The head of USA’s Secret Service – office
A picture of Larry Brown is being shown on a large screen. It pans back as the lines are being delivered by General Rutherford, an older gentleman whose days in the service are now reduced to ordered errand-boys like Jones Bomb out to kill or be killed, all for the sake of national security. Jones Bomb is in the room, listening.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Larry Brown, aka. Sneezy, to his ex-fellow employees. Was once employed by Circuit City before the location was bought by Office Depot.
JONES BOMB: Not the most fortuitous of merchandising locals.
The picture flips to Larry’s laptop that Jones Bomb retrieved from the store.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Our intelligence shows that Larry discovered a secret hidden in the store; power, information, gold; we are not sure. However, the evidence in the laptop indicates a power of great importance was there.
JONES BOMB: And now is no longer.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Precisely.
The picture now flips to a picture of Colorado Pownz from the store’s security cameras as he is leaving the store. From a distance we see Pownz freak out as he fights to get the cables and cords off of him while walking out to his car. It’s a lengthy and embarrassing process. He finally succeeds and climbs into his vehicle.
COLORADO POWNZ' VOICE: I hate cords! I hate 'em!
He continues to yell and scream while trying to get rid of cables and cobwebs.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: The laptop you retrieved indicates that this man may have been working with Larry.
A close up picture of Colorado Pownz now is slid on the screen.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Dr. Colorado Pownz. Treasure seeker, adventurer, and lost relic bounty hunter.
The lights now come up and General Rutherford turns to face Jones Bomb. He hands him a folder with information in it. Jones Bomb opens it to the picture of Colorado Pownz.
JONES BOMB: Looks like a relic himself.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: But a professional one at that. So be careful.
Jones Bomb looks at a plane ticket in the folder.
JONES BOMB: Russia?
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Dr. James left this morning. You’re scheduled for the next flight out yourself.
Jones starts for the door.
JONES BOMB: Then I’d best not disappoint.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Commander Bomb, I know I don’t have to express the urgency of this mission. We don’t know what this power is, what it can do, or where it is. We expect you to find out.
JONES BOMB: And it’s good to know that you’re concerned for my safety, as well, sir.
Jones Bomb heads towards the door.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: Oh, and Jones...
Jones stops and turns around.
GEN. RUTHERFORD: We ARE concerned for your safety... But we are also on a budget. Good luck.
Jones looks confused then exits.
Ex. Airport – day
We see the underside of a plane as it lifts off. We then see a in cabin shot of Jones sitting in coach in between a mother with a crying child and a loud snorer as his head falls on to Jones’s shoulder.
JONES BOMB: I hate flying coach...
Animation – Map
We see the map of the United States. A red dot is lit in New York and a red line draws across the map to Paris France, where a new red dot forms. Almost to Paris you hear the child throw up.
BABY'S MOTHER'S VOICE: I’m so sorry, that was a nice suit.
From there the line draws another dot and stops temporarily. We hear Bomb sound almost sad.
JONES BOMB'S VOICE: What do you mean, there's no martinis on this flight?
Bomb’s dot continues along the same path, meanwhile another path starts someplace from one of the dots Bomb has already been and goes more south. Each line continues drawing and stopping creating new red dots. This continues on until the lines and dots meet at the same time in Prague, Russia, where it stops create the picture of a pony.
JONES BOMB'S VOICE: Where’s my luggage?
It would take more time than necessary to draw the entire pony with one line and we can throw in an extra joke.
Ex. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
Natanya’s Café is a hot-spot for the local, computer-going night life. Again, the camera follows behind one of the soon-to-be customer’s as he enters into the café. We see the sign as he enters in through the door.
Int. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
The camera continues to follow the customer into the café and we hear the noise of a crowd brewing. It sounds as though there is some type of competition going on. The customer continues on towards the crowd to watch. As he gets closer he moves off to the left and we can see that Natanya and another patron are engaged in an online video game battle.
It appears to be an old video-pong game where the contestants have to take a shot-glass drink between ‘pong’s and the Video Game Patron is winning. Natanya is getting frustrated but manages to pull it together and in the end she wins. The crowd shouts in triumph as the Video Game Patron slumps forward, dejected and passed out, in his defeat. The crowd’s losers passes their money around to the betting winners. Natanya stands and calls for the end of the night in Russian. The crowds start out as Pownz saunters in. Natanya is shutting down the computers as they leave. Finally, the last exits out the door and Pownz steps forward.
COLORADO POWNZ: здравствуйте (In Russian – Hello), Natanya…
She turns around to see him. She folds her arms and views him. She walks towards him, shaking her head.
COLORADO POWNZ: Still playing beer pong? You should get an X-Box like the rest of us. Just as dangerous…
NATANYA: Pownz… I always knew you’d pop up like an unwanted ad window. What are you doing here?
COLORADO POWNZ: Hopin’ you can translate something for me.
Upon reaching him Natanya punches him in the face. He holds his chin as he glares at her.
COLORADO POWNZ: What was that for?
She shrugs.
NATANYA: I dunno. Seemed like the right thing to do.
Pownz quickly holds up the flash drive. She looks at him, then at the drive, before snatching it away.
NATANYA: What is it?
COLORADO POWNZ: Power. Gold. Both. Neither. The guy wasn’t forth coming.
NATANYA: You don't need my help. You speak dozens of languages.
COLORADO POWNZ: Not computer gibberish.
She plugs in the flash drive and a recreation of Atari’s 2600 Pac Man comes up. She looks at him.
NATANYA: Awfully expensive practical joke.
He comes up behind her and points to the corner of the screen.
COLORADO POWNZ: Dangerous, too. The guy took the gag to his grave.
In the corner of the screen is a small that has nothing to do with the game.
NATANYA: What is it?
COLORADO POWNZ: A secret panel. Trap door. Hidden passageway. You tell me.
She clicks on it and a flash of images all explode on the screen in text/chat speak of lolcats with pictures.
NATANYA: (exclamation in Russian)
COLORADO POWNZ: You can say that again.
Natanya repeats what she just said as a question.
NATANYA: Why, I already just remembered to let cat out.
COLORADO POWNZ: I thought you meant.. but didn’t you... huh?
Lost me on this one. Try again?
Natanya begins to print the screens out.
NATANYA: This will take some time. Come back tomorrow.
COLORADO POWNZ: How do I know you’ll be here tomorrow?
NATANYA: Trust me.
COLORADO POWNZ: Trust the girl that just punched me in the face?!
He grimaces but she holds his gaze. He finally stands up and makes his way to the door. She laughs as he departs out the door.
NATANYA: прощание Das Vadanah, (Russian – Farewell) Colorado Pownz…
The door closes and Natanya moves towards the printer. She picks up one of the sheets as it prints. It is comprised of “0’s” and “1’s” in the shape of a book with a logo on the front.
NATANYA: …the Gold Book…
She inspects it as the lights suddenly flicker. The front door suddenly opens and in walks Jones Bomb, by himself. He is wearing another suit and a slick smile.
JONES BOMB: (In Russian – Hello, madam.)
NATANYA: I’m afraid it is past business hours.
JONES BOMB: That’s very convenient; I’m not here on business.
She looks up at him.
NATANYA: Pleasure then; that establishment is down the street.
JONES BOMB: Was that what brought Dr. James here, pleasure, or business?
She looks up at him from over the computer.
NATANYA: What do you know of Dr. Pownz?
Jones starts to move around the computer towards her. He takes a deep breath to help prepare answer her question.
JONES BOMB: Professor of archeology from Nantucket, studied under Dr. Sherman from Pawhonic, NB, expert in his field on the occult, obtainer of rare antiquities, shoe size 11, belt size 34”, loves moonlight walks on the beach, and cries every time the Ewok dies in “Return of the Jedi.”
NATANYA: Sorry I asked.
He steps up now to the printer and selects the top sheet.
JONES BOMB: I am too. But is this what Dr. Pownz wanted?
She steps up to him and grabs the sheet of paper from his hand.
NATANYA: (In Russian – No!) Don’t touch that!
JONES BOMB: Sorry, I thought we might share information. I told you what I could about Dr. Pownz … Why don’t you reciprocate?
NATANYA: I’m not that kind of girl.
He moves closer to her.
JONES BOMB: The untrusting kind?
NATANYA: The kind that needs to be earned.
He takes her hand.
JONES BOMB: I’m sure I can earn your trust.
NATANYA: How?
JONES BOMB: By saving your life in the inevitable, upcoming action scene.
The door suddenly flies open and Colorado Pownz is there with his gun in hand. They both look to him.
COLORADO POWNZ: Let her go.
JONES BOMB: See?
Suddenly the wall explodes to Pownz’s right as World Wide Woman comes through. He looks and points at Jones Bomb.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: I’m going to format your hard drive drive!
JONES BOMB: Sorry, if anything happens to me, I already have a backup.
The skylight in the ceiling now crashes in as Netman falls down and lands before Colorado Pownz. Netman throws out a little throwing star that knocks the gun out of Pownz’s hands.
COLORADO POWNZ: Who are you?
NETMAN: I’m Netman.
COLORADO POWNZ: You look like “Mouse Pad Man” to me.
Netman throws a roundhouse but Pownz blocks it. Colorado Pownz mocks him.
COLORADO POWNZ: You just got shut down!
Netman now throws a quick snap kick to Pownz’ face that clobbers Pownz back against the wall.
NETMAN: Consider that a reboot.
The two titans start to fight and Natanya runs back behind the café counter to hide.
Ex. Natanya’s interPownz café – nighttime
Outside, looking in, two bad guys are watching through the window. One is dressed in military fatigues and carries a chain wrapped around his torso and arm.
CHAIN-MAIM: Now?
The other bad guy, standing next to him, raises one finger.
COL. SNIDE: Don’t you know that fight scenes always need to build UP to a climax. It’s just the way things are done.
CHAIN-MAIM: So... Not now.
Snide shakes his head.
Int. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
World Wide Woman swings at Jones Bomb, who tries to drops him with a foot sweep, but nothing happens.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: Ha! I’m invincible!
JONES BOMB: I’ve heard that before…
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: I’m also faster than a speeding (super fast interPownz connection type) connection…
World Wide Woman now picks him up and throws him against the wall. Before Jones Bomb can stand, World Wide Woman is on top of him.
World Wide Woman: …more powerful than a (super powerful CPU type)…
Again, Jones Bomb sails across the room. He lands across the counter, where Natanya is hiding… and filing her nails. World Wide Woman comes up behind him and puts his head in a headlock.
World Wide Woman: …and able to leap from website to website!
Ex. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
Outside Maim we see Maim asks Snide with anticipation.
CHAIN-MAIM: Now?
COL. SNIDE: Almost.
Int. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
Jones Bomb is choking when he looks down to Natanya
JONES BOMB: …print out…?
Natanya looks to the printer and hands him a sheet of paper, which Jones Bomb slices World Wide Woman with.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: Ow! Papercut…!
World Wide Woman falls back, screaming.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: How did you find my weakness?
JONES BOMB: Elementary. Every computer suffers from paper jams.
Jones Bomb rips the paper in half and holds out a piece in each hand.
JONES BOMB: En guard!
World Wide Woman grins.
WORLD WIDE WOMAN: Thanks for the warning.
Ex. Natanya’s internet café – nighttime
Outside, looking in, the two bad guys are still waiting.
Maim asks again excitedly.
CHAIN-MAIM: How about now?
COL. SNIDE: Do it.
Maim picks up a grenade and is about to throw it.
COL. SNIDE: STOP!!
CHAIN-MAIM: WHAT?! You said it was time.
COL. SNIDE: I said wait until the fight reaches a...?
Maim looks confused then with a flash of inspiration chuckles as he drops the grenade and picks up a bazooka.
CHAIN-MAIM: Climax!
COL. SNIDE: Climax indeed.
Int. Natanya’s interPownz café – nighttime
Colorado Pownz stands and takes the fight back to Netman.
COLORADO POWNZ: Hope you’ve picked out a piece of heaven ‘cause I’m sendin’ you there on a one way trip.
NETMAN: Not ‘till after I send you to Cloud 9.
Pownz throws the first right punch, which Netman blocks. Pownz doesn’t hesitate to throw a left and Netman blocks that one, too. Netman then ducks Pownz’s next right but it sets him up for Pownz’s left uppercut. Netman flies back but Pownz lets his whip fly out and wrap around his ankle. Pownz pulls him back into his whip-holding right punch. Netman staggers back, holding his mouth.
NETMAN: Impressive.
COLORADO POWNZ: You should see my stamp collection.
NETMAN: I’d rather take your blood sample.
Netman holds up a small device and a grappling hook cord flies out to wrap Pownz’s hands around his body. Pownz fights it for a moment and when he looks up Netman comes flying down and plasters Pownz in the face with a kick. Pownz falls back a second time against the wall. He looks up as Netman steps in to punch him. Pownz takes the punch to the face, then the midsection, then to the face again. Pownz looks up with a gleam in his eyes as Netman pulls back for another face punch. Pownz then steps forward and plants a headbutt in Netman’s cowl/face. Pownz drives a shoulder into Netman’s chest, throwing him to the ground.
COLORADO POWNZ: And here’s my stamp collection!
Pownz prepares to stomp on Netman’s face but Netman catches his foot. Netman then sweeps his leg to drop Pownz to the ground. Netman rolls to his feet.
NETMAN: Return to sender…
ENDING INTENTIONALLY LEFT OUT